Buyer beware! April 30, 2009

Dating can be a challenge at any age, but I find it to be almost torturous at my age.  How to meet the right man?  Of course there are options like church, book groups, the gym, the bar.. and on-line dating.  Match, Harmony, Love, Cupid, Plentyof Fish, Yahoo, Chemistry.. take your pick.

There are some common themes that apply across all of these venues.  Here are a few tips I’ve compiled based on my extensive (eek?) experience in trying to find love through the computer. 

 A few disclaimers: I’m heterosexual so my only experience pertains to men. I am sure the same could be applied to searching for women. I believe that there are many delightful, honest, emotionally stable men on the planet and some of them are on line.  They’re not the ones I’m going to warn you about.

1.  Don’t believe everything you see.   He looks like a model from International Male?  Could be that he is.  Paste and cut!  The on- line sites don’t verify everything one submits.  More than once I met a man to discover that he was significantly older than the picture on his profile.  Sometimes the additional photos will show a more recent photo, so look at those. 
2. Check his profile statement carefully. I personally have a big problem with misspelled words in the intro.  If the first lines, meant to be teasers, are misspelled then I’m wondering how serious he is, or how intelligent he is!!! He’s probably not going to be what I want.  Try and read between the lines, words like ‘discreet’, ‘casual’  and ‘excitement’ might be signals for a married guy looking for a little something on the side. If marital status is checked as “I’ll tell you later”, he’s probably married.  As recently as this past fall I talked to a guy who said he was Separated.. He just wants to be separated. He finally told me he was married and still sharing a bed with his wife!
3. Wants to meet immediately.  You should generally not rush to meet someone you’re talking to on line (admittedly I’ve let myself be swept away and broken this rule).  There should be no big hurry.  I like to take a leisurely pace, a number of emails before even talking on the phone.
4. A scarcity of personal information.  Some of the sites have a place for you to share interests, religion, income, children, favorite activities etc.. If he’s not filled out any of those I want to know why?  Is he just a private type? Is he hiding something?  Ask him a few questions.  Find out more about him or find out his willingess to divulge.   He could legitimately not want coworkers or next door neighbors to know his business, and if that’s the case he’ll probably share that. Or, he could be hiding from a current partner.
5. Don’t get carried away and act impulsively. If you’re allergic to cigarettes and ultra conservative then why would you write a liberal smoker?  He’s not going to change for you.  Be clear on what you want from the beginning. Don’t sell yourself short.  I know, he looks so hot, but he owns 4 snakes, has 2 ex-wives and 10 kids. Think twice!!!

Thoughts, safety tips, helpful ideas: 

1. Email for a while.  See how well you  both communicate.  Then suggest a phone call. Don’t give out your phone number, ask him if you can call him and then remember to block your phone number. 
2. Don’t give out your full name, your physical address or a revealing email address until you’re sure that a) you trust him, b) you wouldn’t mind if he showed up on your doorstep and c) you have similar information on him.
3. Plan the first meet for a short date.  I like a coffee date, during the day. If it’s just not going well, I can claim a pressing appt. or say I have to go back to work.  You can always extend the date if you want.  Plan the date for daylight hours and/or park in a well-lit and populated place.  Let a friend know you\\’re going to meet someone new and give them details.
4. Listen to your intuition. If he is too touchy or suggestive, is pushing alcohol… that should alert you. 
5. Be aware of controlling behavior.   I had a guy tell me what he wanted me to wear on our first meeting.  He specifically asked me to wear a skirt, stockings and heels.  We never met!
6. If he’s recently divorced or separated.. talk about that a little. I’ve had more than one guy jump into the dating world too fast and discover quickly that he’s really not over her.  I’ve seen profiles, one fairly recently saying: “divorce was really hard but I think I’m ready”.   My gosh, stay away from that one.. unless you want to do some counseling.   I personally don’t want to get caught up in a divorce, be the re-bound, or the nanny while custody is going on…. you get my point!

It’s difficult assessing compatibility.  I learned to ask people about their favorite restaurants, learning the hard way.  That gave me a bit of an idea about what his likes and dislikes were and how they meshed with mine.  Some men absolutely won’t talk to a woman who’s not showing her picture.  I’m not that hung up on the photo.. though you can learn alot through that picture.  The guy who’s in a camouflage wife-beater is not gonna work for me. I am turned off by men showing their body off-intentionally .  I also don’t get why a man will send a picture in which he’s partying, drink in hand w/ his arm around a woman?

And, having said all of this I admit that I’ve met very nice men on line. Several have turned out to be good friends. One turned out to be my third cousin!  Pretty funny. He’s a really nice guy. My first post-divorce date was a nice guy who I still talk to years later.  I had a reasonably long term relationship with a guy I met on Match.com.  He was honest and open and a good man. But, I find that to  be the  exception rather than the rule.

Be prepared to get lots of  weirdos, sexual overtures, cricital comments, no replies, and rejections. It’s not for the weak of heart.  But, if you’re ready to try and have  your wits about you go forth! I urge you to be open and honest.  Write the guys who contact you, be nice in your ‘rejections’, don’t lie.  If it’s not going to work say so.  I’ve had some positive experiences in being honest about those times when the ‘feeling’ wasn’t there.. and written about it: here.

I’d love to hear some stories from my readers about on-line successes or catastrophes!  Just don’t use names please.

May I share something with you… April 29, 2009

 Communication is tricky at best. There are so many nuances in human speech.  And, so many of us have gotten good at telling lies,or fibs,or omitting.  Come on, admit it. You’ve done it. I know I have.  Sometimes we’re trying to spare someone’s feelings.  Or we’re trying not to get in trouble.  This dress? No its been in my closet for ages (one of my past personal favorites).  The  dog ate my homework!  No, I wasn’t smoking, it was one of the other guys!

We hedge, we duck, bob and weave like boxers.  We get defensive, we go on the attack, we divert the story.  We do all kinds of things to avoid being straight up and truthful.  And much of the time it’s about personal matters. And, really the only one we’re hurting is ourself.

I’m in this phase right now where I want to gently confront untruths. The ones I tell myself and the ones I tell others…. and the ones being told to me.   To be honest about my feelings and “own” them.  It’s hard work and it makes so many people uncomfortable………initially. But, it’s excellent practice and makes for healthy, clean relationships. I try to practice this with my staff as well as family and friends. And failing more often than I ought, I sit in a stew wondering and making up stories what must be going on.

Here’s how it  looks.  You walk in wearing a new shirt/blouse.  Your partner grimaces as you walk in.  If you don’t say anything you may be thinking the grimace is about your blouse.  “He thinks it’s ugly”  “Does it make me look bad?”  In this more open style of communication you check it out, you stop making assumptions.  All of us have seen a partner (frequently associated with women, I agree) pout and get in a huff over what seems inconsequential. You know what I mean!  So, why not ask; “Hey, I thought you grimaced when I walked in. Is it my blouse? ”  Imagine the change in outlook when he says; “What blouse? I had a pain in my side just now.”  You sought clarification and got it.  Now you don’t have to make up some dramatic story about how your partner always disapproves of………… ( fill in the blank)

I’ve been holding on to some anger for over a week now.  I failed to communicate it with the person I was pissed at.  Yesterday I created the opportunity. I was a tad nervous.. but I was direct and unemotional.  No passive aggressive stuff. I just asked the question that was present for me in that moment. I sought clarity. And, I got a straightforward answer.  I regret now that I didn’t take action over a week ago.  Whether I liked the answer is not relevant, my opinion is based on fact, not conjecture.

 It can be difficult to be that direct, to put oneself out there. It’s important to emphasize that this kind of communication is not meant to be accusatory.  Using “I” statements ( my kids hate it when I ask them to do that) we talk about what we feel, what we’re confused about.  This is not about the other person.  It’s not “you irritate me”  but rather “wow, I’m feeling pretty irritated right now”.  

I should have learned by now.  I have degrees in Psychology.  I’m 54 years old. My marriage was fraught with unspoken stuff. Avoidance, half-truths. I learned to not speak up for myself and it eventually took its toll.  When we hold back, the message we’re sending ourselves, our bodies, and those around us is that we don’t value ourself.  By being silent we give up so much.  Speaking up, engaging in clear communication with those around us is freeing.  It serves to strengthen relationships. 

Do you have relationships that could use a little more openness? Are you willing to give this a try?  

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Touch me April 28, 2009

We all yearn for human connection. I believe the desire for touch is innate. To give, to touch, to share, to bond.

My three year old granddaughter tripped and fell yesterday.  My son’s first comment was, “Is there any blood?”  She looked at the wounded toe and with quivering voice said, “No”.

Dad’s reply, “Then there’s no reason for tears.”

I happened to be sitting on the floor near by. When she looked up at me, tears streaming down her face, I held out my arms.  She came to me and sat on my lap, face against my body.  I told her that we all feel the need to cry sometimes.  It’s ok.  I broke the cardinal rule of grandparenting, going against the parent. But I felt she needed to be comforted. We sat there for what seemed like minutes.  My arms wrapped around her, hands stroking her hair.  She was absolutely still.  And, we comforted each other. I needed her touch as much as she needed mine.

We all have a need for love, for acceptance and healing, for forgiveness. And, it can come from unexpected places.

Touch. Fingertips grazing another- a desire to feel skin, in all its warmth.  To know through touch.  A pulse that quickens.  I love the feel of well-kneaded bread, springy and smooth, elastic.  Stroking the cat as he sits in my lap.  The feel of a crisp cotton dress shirt under my fingers.  A lover’s body.  Sand running through my fingers, between my toes.

To be able to share a moment with my grandchild. To be there providing comfort for that fleeting moment.. it was a moment to cherish.  And, it is one of the things I love about my newly found role as a grandmother.  Yet as I sit here alone, I feel a void in my life.  I can find comfort in my world and an array of options to satisfy my basic needs.. yet I know that for me, the desire to connect -woman to man – is strong.  The challenge…..confront the need, acknowledge it and be content with the balancing act that is life as a single woman. For now.

Shout out April 27, 2009

Congrats to my friend at Lifelessons4u!!!  She’s just been added to the list of  blogs at http://www.bloggingwomen.blogspot.com !  Her blog will be one of their featured sites for May.

Lifelessons and I started at around the same time. And, somehow in that wonderful way it happens in life we found each other’s blogs.   We’ve shared ideas off line and we comment on each other’s blogs on-line.  She’s been very helpful to me and has some wonderful lessons to share!  So, go check her out: lifelessons

Passion April 26, 2009

I finished Mischa Berlinski’s Fieldwork this morning , sitting in a Hilton Garden Inn….. it was around 7 AM, the room next door was finally quiet , thankfully. There had been loud, stirring lovemaking the night before- not even my airconditioner drowned it out. I could still here the woman’s utterances in my head. It had been difficult to sleep, long after her passions were sated, I tossed and turned.

Fieldwork seemed an appropriate choice given the situation- in reality, it was the only book I had with me.  Love, passion, desire, obsession.  The book is part mystery, part anthropological treatise, part romance.  And, it had not ended well for many in the novel. The reader is told about the murder, it’s not so much a who-dunnit as it is a why?  I had expected, hoped for some kind of redemption or vindication for this woman in the novel.

The book was very well written,amazingly complex. For a literary take, here’s a review.  One could approach the story from various angles.  The anthropologist would be fascinated with the complexity of the Southeast Asian tribe, central to the story. I came at it from the romantic angle, I wanted to understand her as a lover. Can one feel a passion so deep that such an egregious act could have been committed? 

Is it really possible to love someone that fully?  To feel the pains she experienced at the loss of her lover?  I can’t say that I’ve felt love in the depth that Berlinski manages to convey through his protaganist.  We all experience the pain of that first teenage break up.. and many of us have grieved over the end of a marriage, or long term relationship as an adult.  But, I’ve always assumed that the literary version, the made-for-TV movie version is overblown, a product of creative liberties? 

The enchantment for me would be in the thinking about the level of passion that brought one to that place. To be filled with such desire, such true depth of passion.  To be utterly lost in the moment, to feel so strongly for another. Does it really happen? 

The passion part looks wonderful; the aftermath as viewed through the lens of this author is devastating.  I for one, would be willing to sacrifice a little to feel such a passion… if it really exists.

Daily Musings April 22, 2009

OK, I’m done contemplating my navel.. Thanks for hanging in there.

The next blog entry?  Prophetic, absolutely silly or witty?  Or maybe a sample of my other writing talent (which has suffered of late) - erotica?  Suffered how you ask? No experiences from which to draw upon.  And my new found love … blogging.

Which would you like?

A virtuous woman April 21, 2009

	Virtue	Meaning
	Prudence	proper judgment of reasons for action with regard to appropriateness in a context
	Justice	proper judgment regarding individual human interests, rights and deserts
	Restraint or Temperance	practicing self-control, abstention, and moderation
	Courage or Fortitude	forbearance, endurance, and ability to confront fear and uncertainty, or intimidation
	Faith	steadfastness in belief
	Hope	expectation of good
	Love or Charity	selfless, unconditional, and voluntary loving-kindness

These are the seven Christian virtues, according to Wikipedia. 

I did a recent interview which included a set of questions: Most overrated virtue, Most embarrassing moment, What’s in your car CD player  right now?  Who would play you in the movie?  The virtue question really tripped me up.  I wanted to say honesty then had to really think about what that might imply.  I chose Restraints-and, didn’t embellish..  ha, well not restraints but restraint.  Restraints, now that calls for a blog of a whole different type) . Embarrassing moment: my reply was worthy of a politician. I said, “wow, embarrassing moment . There have been so many that to recount them would be to embarrass myself all over again.” Car CDs: Taj Mahal, Bela Fleck, Van Morrison and Bach.  Play me in the movie: Helen Mirren.  And, yesterday I decided that the movie of Delicate Flower might star ( a milder, less trashy version ) Patsy from AbFab!!!!!  worth a trip to YouTube if you don’t know Ab Fab, the British comedy.

This interview made me extremely uncomfortable . Will the reporter make me look like an idiot. Did I strike the right balance of serious and ‘fluffy’, the reporter’s word.  Believe it or not I’m a little self-conscious. I want to come across like the person I think I am, the one who embodies, if slightly flawed, most of the virtues listed above. 

There is a theme in these recent blogs. I have been looking at how I live.  And there are some changes to be made. Some bad habits to let go of.  And, I will be looking at each of the above virtues and measuring where I fall on some arbitrary scale.   Maybe it’s because of the upcoming story.  Maybe because I want to be a good strong, positive role model for my grandbaby.  Maybe I just want to be a better person.  Whatever motive I chose, and they all fit, it is in my best interest to do a little personal housecleaning.

Words April 19, 2009

Words stream through my mind constantly… I frequently wake up in the middle of the night and words appear, lyrics to songs, specific words.. thoughts.  It has  intensified over this long weekend.  Maybe because I’ve got no one to talk to?  I’ve had a few phone chats with a girlfriend but all other communications have been typed..Not the same.  The chat with the bookstore owner was edifying but brief.

The writer in me is scribbling down words, thoughts, phrases…  The words feel imprinted in my brain, written on my skin.  There is a wonderful story of a Japanese woman and the young man who secretly visits her and writes on her skin. I can’t recall the name of the book, will look for it when I get home.  It is a sensuous tale , a story of the forbidden. Lust and longing.  My longing is not so lustful but as tangible. OK, maybe a little lustful.

There are things I want to say. I talk alot (yes, yes some of you are chuckling out there) and sometimes I forget to think before speaking.   And, sometimes I know I should pause and listen to my body, not my head.  The words demand to come out.  Here are some of the words I’m holding right now.. the things I want to say, some I will speak.. some I’ll allow to rest here, hoping this will suffice.

To my boys: I love you.  You are wonderful, strong, smart engaging men.  Be bold in your life, go for what makes you happy.

To my younger son: Buy some condoms, please. 

To my grandbaby: Darling, grow up to be your own person.  Don’t let the world set conditions for you.   To her sister:  What a great imagination.  Never stop.

To one of my employees: Please wash your own damn coffee cups. I may be your mother’s age, but I’m not your mother.

And, the following, unattributed but nonetheless burning statements I want to utter:

1. You.  Are.  An.  Absolute.  Asshole.
2. gee. I think that was it!  ( haha.. It does make me feel better)
3. I’m sorry, I wanted things to be different.
4. Thanks for the apology last Thursday, wish you’d say that years ago!
5. The cat has got to go
6. Please don’t leave cigarette butts in my driveway.  Does this look like a trailer park to you?
7. Yes, you ARE married!
8. I’m worth it.
9. You know, as (one of 2) self-appointed fashion police I’d like to say “that’s not your best look!”
10. I want a raise.
11. I deserve a raise.
12. Yes, the gray is natural. Who intentionally puts gray streaks in their hair?
13. It’s a hot flash.. damn it
14. Yes.  I want you as a friend.

Calm April 19, 2009

The ocean is calm this morning. 10 A.M. and very few people are on the beach. I’ve been up since 6:30 so it feels like the day is well advanced. 

It’s my vacation, the last full day. I want to be like this morning’s ocean; calm, smooth, steady… but I feel stirred up….. things don’t always happen like they’re supposed to.  I guess that’s a silly statement, the world is unpredictable and at my <advanced> age I should know that.

  I’m a little confused this morning anyway: the last several days’ post comments allude to the shit I’m going through…. Unexpected events, unexpected feelings.  And, it’s one of those moments in life that is totally out of my control.  The challenge is to let go….. and to just go along for the ride.

There are three birds sitting in a row out on the water.  They’re all facing the same way, looking out to sea.  They sit for a while then suddenly-  some whim, some imperative calls them to flight.  They’re gone.. soaring, on some path.

Time to mow the lawn? April 19, 2009

 Your garden is looking a little shaggy

This link is a clip from Sarah Haskins’ Target Women segment on www.current.com.   She’s spoofing a recent British ad for Wilkinson razors for women,  ”Mow the Lawn” .  I found the original video on a feminist website which was dubious in its praise of this ad.  It’s a clever ad, though fraught with perky young women, asses, and all manner of sexual references. It’s clearly not an American ad, we show more tits and ass but get all caught up about using straight forward language.  The message, one most women are familiar with, is that women need to be groomed,’ mown’, sanitized… perfectly sculpted in order to be presentable for men.  Which I think is bullshit!. Though I admit to buying into convention myself, often.  I believe I even wrote about it here.  Does it ever get simple

Ms. Haskins’ take on women and their genitalia is a hoot!  I know that when I go to the store next time I’ll be looking for the new fancy ‘trim’ razor. After all, bikini season  is approaching!  Do you like it trimmed? How? I think the heart shape is cute, myself.