Who needs it? December 17, 2009

I do. I need health insurance and am having to pay out of pocket!   I have high blood pressure, nominally, and it’s high right now. I just got back from the insurance company. First of all my high cholesterol and the ‘little’ leg problem put me in the Level 4 Category. Read: denial!! But thanks heavens for  HIPAA requirement which means they can’t deny me-technically. (fingers crossed)

The cheapest policy I can find is about $650 and that is not much more than a bandaid.  The policy which most closely resembles my current group policy-expiring in 15 days- is over $1400, even with a deductible. A month. For one person. Without the dental rider. The dental rider is an extra $27 a month with an 18 month period before most services will be covered. FMDINSA ( which means: fuck me dead, I’ll never smile again)

Note that as an unemployed individual I have no one else to pay for my coverage, the small nonprofit’s COBRA period was only 3 months. Ironically, as an unemployed individual I don’t have a spare $1400 to drop every month on hoping to stay healthy. It will be the end of all splurges just for the $650 a month.

So, ask me how I feel about health insurance.  Ask me how I feel bad for those individuals with far fewer resources than mine. I’m outraged but I had anticipated this, though not the full extent of just how expensive it was going to be. I’m outraged to think of all the people who have absolutely no health insurance, who struggle every day while the fat cats at private health insurance companies get rich!  I’m pretty outraged at the naysayers who think the proposed yet-to-be-finalized health care plan might impact their choice of which plastic surgeon they get to do their monthly botox treatments.

Sure, I have choices (tomorrow’s post theme). I can drop all insurance and plead poverty when I have to go to the ER and let the hospital raise other rates to cover my ass. I can find some guy to marry who’ll put me on his insurance policy. I can rush out and find a job, any job as long as it provides insurance. Or I can pick a marginal policy, pray for good health and cut out excess expenditures from my budget. It’s not an easy choice to have to make.

Oh,wait! I’m the Blow Job Queen of the Universe (really). I’ll just start selling myself. Ahhh.

A little to the left please November 23, 2009

Who knew? Doctors getting women off, manually… the vibrator as one of the first electric appliances to grace a woman’s home?

The September issue of Scientific American featured articles on origins.. one of those  articles is about the origin of the vibrator. Unfortunately there is no web link, unless you’re a special Scientific American subscriber.

Following is most of the article;

“Derived from the Greek word for “uterus”, hysteria occurred in women with pent-up sexual energy-or so healers and early physicians believed. Nuns, widows and spinsters were particularly susceptible, but by the Victorian era many married women had fallen prey as well… The prescription of clitoral orgasm as a treatment for hysteria dates to medical texts from the first century A.D.  Hysterical women typically turned to doctors, who cured them with their hands by inducing a “paroxysm”- a term that hides what we now knows as a sexual climax. But manual stimulation was time-consuming and… often passed the job off to midwives.

The invention of electricity made the task easier. Joseph Mortimer Granville patented an electromechanical vibrator in the early 1880s to relieve muscle aches, and doctors soon realized it might be used on other parts of the body. …. by the turn of the century needlework catalogues (note: I used to own a needlework retail shop, alas we did not sell vibrators) advertised models for women who wanted to try the treatment at home, making the vibrator the fifth electrical appliance to arrive in the home-after the sewing machine, the fan, the teakettle and the toaster.

The vibrator’s legitimacy as a medical device declined after the 1920s, when Sigmund Freud correctly identified paroxysm as sexual. In 1952 the American Psychiatric Association dropped hysteria from its list of recognized conditions.

When the vibrator was again popularized years later, women no longer needed the pretense of illness to justify a purchase.” Thank heavens for that!

Mr. Granville, my clit thanks you.

Exercise while watching TV… October 13, 2009

…..and keep your lazy butt from getting bigger. There seems to be a fundamentally unsound concept here.

All you (Oprah) TV viewers out there, let’s get some exercise. Forget the typical ‘go take a walk’ kind of exercise. Oprah wants you to stay glued to the TV so her web page features 4 exercises to do in front of the TV!

I’m not buying it. I think if I wait long enough someone will just give me a pill that will erase all the fat.. And, it’ll come with a magic eraser. I rub the eraser along the fatty parts of my body I want to disappear, and presto! chango! The fat is gone. And, I’m still watching TV. Oh, yeah! This is heaven.

Yippee!  Thanks Oprah.  Do you have a simpler set of exercises for my 120 lb  9 year old son to do while he watches Power Rangers?

source of my ranting-

Budding Sex Goddess here September 4, 2009

Yesterday a reader posed a question, a delicate one ( no pun intended)  The person seeking an answer is 16 years old and she wants to know why people have sex if “it hurts”.  Oh my !
So how to proceed? I”m not going to address this from the religious, ethical, moral aspect.. that’s another whole parent-child lecture.   Abstinence? Not going there either.

Speaking as “Honorary” Godmother:  16 year olds shouldn’t be considering sexual intercourse.  Masturbate and learn your own body first.  

 
Speaking as “Sex Goddess and Expert” :  Having sex with another person is and should be a wonderful experience. You get to have sex for the rest of your life so there’s no need to act like a deprived individual and try to cram it all in ( haha!) in the first few years of activity.  Many females will tell you that their first experience was lacking.  Why?  In my opinion (and this is all opinion) for sex to be mutually enjoyable several conditions need to be present.  Both parties should be willing and actively pursuing the activity.  There should be some conversation about moving forward that involves birth control, STI’s, concerns, level of ‘commitment’ or lack of and understanding about the seriousness of  having intercourse.  Specially if you’re young.  Though us old folks need to have some of those conversations as well.

I personally think teenagers lack the emotional maturity to fully understand all the ramifactions of having sex.  And, if you’re having sex without that maturity, without full consent and with a partner who’s not there either… then the sex is not likely to be satisfying, physically or emotionally.  Guys orgasm/ejaculate with ease and don’t, as a general rule, seek emotional attachment in the pursuit of sexual satisfaction.  Women are very different. 

Sex does not normally hurt, unless there is a gynecological problem. But, first time sex without preparation, or physical stimulation to bring some sort of arousal will leave a female’s vagina tight and dry.. Try sticking something large, dry and probing into that and it can be uncomfortable.  Can a first time, inexperienced female voice her need for slowness, lubrication, condoms etc?  Probably not.   Can she say, wait I’ve changed my mind and assume that her partner will listen? Probably not. Hence my caution about needing great connection with one’s mate.

Delicate’s last bit of advice for a 16 year old girl, or boy. Wait.  You’ll never regret having waited, whereas you may regret having sex too early. I did!

Damn it, damn it, damn it ! August 3, 2009

I’ve having hot flashes again.. One about every 20-30 minutes!  This sucks.  They had gone away before I met Joe.. I blame him and the sex for this.

Do you know what a hot flash is like?  Imagine you’re sitting in your desk chair and suddenly your office has transformed into an oven, only the heat is radiating from the inside of your body… you feel a warm flush… like the skin is hot to the touch, blood bubbling under the surface.. a hot simmer… You get clammy, warm to the touch.. sometimes I get headaches and a little woozy.

Now imagine that happening every 20 minutes or so.  All bloody day, all night! I’m at work, I wanna strip down and walk around in my undies…  I want to get a fan and situate it directly between me and this computer screen.

F***ing miserable here!!  Somebody needs to come hose me down.. Or pour cold Bombay gin and tonic down my throat! NOW

Borrowed from the Menopausal Woman Art Gallery, artist’s site is http://www.nancygoodmanlawrence.com/

Did someone mention sex toys? June 16, 2009

The sex toys are a part of a presentation on healthy sexuality for the over 40 set I’ve been working on recently.  This topic has been of interest to me since I found an article on the rise in HIV among older women, as noted in this post.  Well truthfully, understanding sex as an older woman has been a focus for the last several years…. I think I’m making up for lost time!  My hope is that the presentation will enlighten and amuse, and get people to start thinking about their own sexuality. Because really, those of us having sex after age 40, 45, 50, 70… are not very different from the 20-somethings.  We may be a little less nimble and our recovery time may be a bit longer.  The basics are still the same: Insert A into (hole) B.  Nonetheless there are still things we need to learn.

 

Hank's first attempt at introducing safe sex

Too fast, too much!!! June 5, 2009

My brain isn’t big enough! There are too many thoughts, words, images, desires, wants, needs and  just plain old clutter in my brain.  I envision this convoluted maze of shrubs where all these words and thoughts sprout feet and mingle around.   Sometimes I shut my eyes and all those images are shuttling past my eyes in rapid fire motion… it’s dizzying.

I walk down the hall and by the time I’ve gotten to the kitchen I can’t recall what it was I came to retrieve. I’ll be driving down the road and have a brilliant idea for a blog.. surely it’s memorable enough to survive the 15 minute drive home.  Nope! I walk inside and the thought has vanished.. But the realization that I’ve just lost a thought is still with me.  Talk about irritating.

One might ever so quietly mention aging, Alzheimer’s, senility, stupidity or menopause.  Those are not the answers or the causes. It is simply overload, for most of us.  An inability to stay focused, to be present.  If one is focused on the task at hand then no other thoughts can intrude.  It is a practice the Buddhists are familiar with.  And, as we strive for calm and peace, a way to shut out the distractions of our lives, many of us are turning to the practice of ‘mindfulness’.

Jon Kabot Zinn is well known for his book, Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life, published in 1994.  This book is about the practice of meditation. Zinn is the founder and Director of the Stress Reduction Clinic and the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. He teaches mindfulness meditation as a technique to help people cope with stress, anxiety and pain. His work is based on the ancient practice of quieting the mind.

Mindfulness is a practice, that on the surface, seems simply enough.  Yet it requires diligence to master the techniques.  At least for me, the challenge is to shut out the thoughts that randomly flood my brain. To stop the chatter and be with the silence.. or at least try to find the moment of silence.  Zinn says, “We tend to be particularly unaware that we are thinking all the time. The incessant stream of thoughts flowing through our minds leaves us very little respite for inner quiet. And we leave precious little time for ourselves anyway just to be, without having to run around doing things all the time. “

I relate to that.. I think we all do.  We listen to the radio while driving, and probably talking on our cell phone at the same time, as we’re driving home thinking about what to have for dinner.  The challenge is how to focus on one thing at a time. To stop all that mental chatter, weed out the distractions.  When we are able to do that we can feel ourselves calming, our senses expand and we can appreciate something- anything.  The alternative is one of frentic list making, concerns, anxieties, taking ourselves out of the moment.  We risk missing a conversation with our child, the beauty of a sunset or failing to see the car ahead put on the brakes. 

One of the exercises sited by mindfulness experts is to take a simple task and be with each piece of the task.  Say tooth brushing.  Experience picking up the toothbrush, feel it in your hand.  Feel the cap on the toothpaste, notice the color of the toothpaste and its’ consistency, feel it in your mouth.  Is it minty, bland?  Experience, feel, taste, notice every move you make.  When we give ourselves fully to the act of brushing each tooth we are no longer thinking about the dirty laundry, the grocery list, or uncut lawn.  The irritating conversation with a coworker has gone, our heart rate slows down and we have a moment of true presence.  The maze disappears and we are at leisure.  The practice of mindfulness must start with simple, easily identifiable tasks and requires practice.. all the time. It can be an effort but the rewards are great.  An ability to be present, to hear, to see, to smell, to feel.  We can attain a slower heart rate, a quieter mind, a clearer focus.

Kama Sutra for the arthritic set May 27, 2009

At a conference last week I attended a session on teaching healthy relationships to teens.  It was the standard thing, I’ve heard it before.  The presenters talked about helping youth make appropriate choices through respect for self and others, being clear and open in conversation and having an underlying knowledge about sex facts.

As I was driving to a meeting the next day with a group of women in my age range I started thinking about our need to know more about  relationships and sexuality.  Many women in their 50’s and 60’s probably didn’t get much of a proper education around sexual matters growing up.  Some of us may have been in marriages for years without having the benefits, or drawbacks of experiencing much dating. I consider myself to be fairly well educated on the topic and experienced as well… teehee… but there is always room to expand one’s knowledge.

 For those of us who are single, having some reteaching around sexuality could be a wonderful and useful.. even life saving tool.  I wrote in a past post (killer sex)  about the rise in HIV contraction among older women. So, I’m taking these ideas which have been slowly coalescing and working with a few people now to put together a humorous but frank presentation on sex toys, sexuality, and sexual safety.  We tend to think of these topics as the exclusive domain of the youthful.. but I’m here to tell you that it ain’t so!!

The ultimate weight loss diet May 24, 2009

Remember the last post where I bemoaned the fat I saw in the mirror?  I’m not really fat, not like obese fat.. but I would look and feel better- and have a new wardrobe- if I lost 10 lbs. or more. I hate diets, I hate exercise.  I love Ben and Jerry’s, homemade bread with real butter… you get the picture.

Well, cruising through the internet this morning I found my answer. SEX.  Doing it will help me lose weight.  Problem: I’m supposed to have it three to five times a week.  So, this must be a diet for the married, or the prostitutes among us? The article offers up the sexy bodies of Desperate Housewives as an indication of what having lots of sex can do for one’s body.  I, for one, am never going to look like Teri Hatcher even if I have sex 3-5 times a day.  That’s just pure bullshit… as well as a setup for all women who aren’t anorexic or on the verge of death.. but that’s another story.

Dr. Laura Berman is quoted in this article from a more practical point of view.. “sex…it gets your heartrate up even if you are not having extremely acrobatic sex.”  I don’t do acrobatics and since I have positionally induced vertigo I had to give up the swing and the upsidedown monkey sex position too. 

I agree that feeling good about one’s body can have the added effect of making one feel sexier.  The key is to feel good about the body we have.  And, for those of us who’ve borne children and are well past 40 that body comes with the signs, marks of all we’ve experienced in life.  We can and should cherish our bodies and use them to our best advantage.  So, ladies let’s get out and there and just f@*! like bunnies and watch the pounds fall off!!

Fyi:  The new guy is NOT reading this blog so I don’t have to actually practice my own preaching here….yet.

Warning:Girl stuff May 7, 2009

Be forewarned that this blog is about “girl” stuff- woman stuff.

I just finished watching Bones, a Fox TV show… romantic tension mixed with murder and science. I love it. Tonight I cried.. tears running down my face over Bones and Booth the FBI dude.  Why ?  Most likely because my hormones are running amok.

At age 54 and 3/4 I am in the throes of menopause.  I had my last period in October.  It lasted for about 16 days! I called my Gyn and she insisted that I come in for tests.  I did.  The doctor works at a teaching hospital so residents, interns, med students are a common sight and I’m comfortable with their presence.  They usually ask you first before inviting the novices in the room.  On this particular day a young medical student was in the examining room with us- a guy.  He looked like he was about 17 years old.   To my relief he was simply listening, not “observing” - if you get my drift.  My Dr. does the pelvic exam.  I’m half naked, feet up in stirrups.  The young man, the med student is sitting in a chair to my left.  When my doctor  finishes up she looks up at me and says, “you’re still pretty supple, there is a lot of elasticity in your vagina.  A good thing at your age.” 

What to say?  I quip, ” Glad to hear it, and when the time comes and there’s a guy actually going down there , I’ll be sure to let him know how supple I am.”

The doctor laughs, she’s close to my age and has a wonderfully wry sense of humor. The med student didn’t utter a peep.  I’d have been laughing my ass off.  He was probably shocked that we ‘old’ people actually had sex. If only he knew!

Menopause is a funny thing.  I’m just fine with things as they are at the moment, but admit that conversations about dryness, lack of elasticity in skin ( I’m thinking arms, boobs, face, neck), the risks of hormone supplements  are a tad distressing.  So far there are no problems there.  And, if I’m dry down there- well who’s to say???

No one had prepared me for this transition.  You probably feel rather ill-equipped as well.   There is no one talking about sex, bodily changes, raging hormones, etc.  It’s not a conversation that my mother had with me. You can read the books and study the experts.. but nothing quite prepares you for that first hot flash.  Mine was pretty spectacular, and I recall thinking, oh shit this is a hot flash, I’m now officially menopausal.  Time for the support hose!

I have hot flashes pretty regularly.  It feels like the blood is boiling right under the surface. I feel it in my face and am surprised when the peep in the mirror shows my skin to be normally colored. I’ve discovered that extreme stress seems to trigger hot flashes for me.  Most of the time I get them in the middle of the night.. my whole body get hot. I wake up , throw off the covers, flip over the pillow and wait for it to pass.  Get chilly, pull the covers back on.. wait a bit, and repeat.

Periods!  I’ve been 6 and 1/2 months without a period.. sheer bliss.. until last weekend.. Now, I’m in that ‘almost’ mode… will I explode or is it gently going to disappear?  Icky! It’s not summer so fear of white pants isn’t problematic. I”m not having sex so the unpredictability factor isn’t so problematic.  I carry tampons and pads in the glove department of my car- which embarrasses my sons.. There are supplies in my purse, my office, the office bathroom, my travel kit.  You name it, I’ve stashed them there. My motto: Be prepared.

If there are guys who are still reading this post, have compassion for the women in your life.  This is a time of change, good and bad-depends on her perspective. Menopause signals the end of conception and for some is a reason to mourn.  That’s not so for me.  I  will rejoice at the new freedom from fertility and possible pregnancy- not quite there yet.  It can bring fear of decreased sexuality, unknown bodily changes and feelings of loss. Did I mention stray facial hairs?   For me it brings inconvenience, frustration- I want it to be over!-  and a constant reminder of the many things I cannot control.   There is also freedom, a sense of relief at being past certain phases in life.   And, really the better choice for me, for all of us in midlife is to rejoice.  Is there an option?