Dear Goddess December 11, 2009

Dear Goddess,

I need help. I’m an average guy who doesn’t understand women. I had this girlfriend. She asked me to move out after telling me that I was “unfixable”. Initially we talked and saw each other.. then we started breaking up and getting back together. Last week I finally told her it was over for good.

She went nuts. I’m afraid.  I think she’s stalking me.

She’s the one who dumped me, telling me that she was tired of sacrificing herself for me. That’s pure bullshit, I’ve spent time, energy and money taking care of her issues. And now she’s saying she still loves me and refuses to believe me. She’s sneaking around my yard, calls and texts me incessantly. She’s calling my family and my friends.

I just want it to be over. What do I do?

Signed,

Perplexed

Dear Perplexed:

What a mess.  I am honored that you’ve turned to the Goddess. The whole man-woman, relationship thing  can be very challenging. Women aren’t always predictable and your ex-GF sounds a bit batty.  If you’re clear that the relationship is over and you’ve communicated that to her then you are in the clear.

You don’t mention whether you’re responding to her calls and texts? If she’s really displaying stalking behavior then I’d suggest you cut all communication.  Watch your back. You should start keeping a journal of everything that happens as well. Collect any and all evidence!

Let’s hope that she tires of this and moves on to find her next victim! Best of luck.

Goddess

My advice to you is……. November 30, 2009

“Middle age dawns with the recognition that sex has become a relatively dull and dangerous waste of time-and that you’ll never find anything better.”   Ruth Marcozzi, American advice columnist

The Goddess does not normally compete and rarely casts dispersion on other advice givers, but whoever this Ruth is.. she’s a fool! 

Ladies and gentlemen over the age of 40: Sex is only as dull as you allow it to be. When sex becomes dull for you then you need to revisit the relationship, the situation, the position, the reason for having sex….. 

I view sex as a coming together of 2 people who have, at a minimum, sexual attraction for each other.  As a basic premise there is no “dull”. Why engage in something that does not bring pleasure? If you want to feel obligated go visit your mother, or scrub the toilet.. don’t have sex.

If you call sex dull then we need to talk. Why do you perceive sex to be dull? Are you intimate with the wrong person? Are you being pressured? Is it a spouse or partner who you’ve basically shut down to but still pretend with?  Shame on you.

Nor is there any reason to assume that middle-age sex equals dull either.  Au contraire, middle aged sex can be the absolutely best of your life.  Those of you in the middle years are not dead… do not settle! First, take a few minutes to think about what kind of sex you currently have.  Decide where you rate it on a scale of 1 to 5, 5 being the best.  And, then think about what you want.  Do you want better sex? If the answer is yes, (and mind you, if the answer is no then you need to call your therapist) then sit down with your partner and tell him/her.  NOW.

We all deserve to be the best, to have the best and to make the best choices we can. I know that sounds simplistic but the truth is that we, and women are the most frequent culprits, don’t always respect ourselves. And, therefore we make choices dictated by others, by society, by family rather than following our instincts.  These mature middle years are when we get to say f*** you to old patterns and chart a new course.

Have fun, try a sex toy, get out the whipped cream or chocolate syrup, buy that sexy bra… say no if you want, ask your partner to do something unusual.  Give up dull, you won’t regret it.

Where’s that moaning sound coming from? October 29, 2009

Dear Goddess,

Help me! My adult son is moving back in with me.  What am I going to do?  I finally have this great sex life … we have frequent vigorous sex and I don’t want to give that up.  What am i going to do? I have 2 bedrooms my son could sleep in, one is across the hall from my bedroom, the other is below my bedroom.

Signed,

Frustrated lover

~   ~   ~   ~   ~

Dear Frustrated Lover,

Don’t get your panties in a wad. There are a variety of options for you and your lover.  First of all, why are you letting your son come back? Kick his butt out and tell him to get his life together. Oops, you want advice about the sex!

Christmas/Hanukkah  is coming!

Let your son know how concerned you are for his health and talk about the importance of a good night’s sleep. Buy him a gift basket with a sound machine, high-quality ear plugs and a face mask.. Not being able to see can sometimes impact hearing.  Or maybe you could buy him a new Bose headset, the sound blocking ones.

Do you have a shed? or other type of out-house that could be renovated for the ‘child’?

I guess I’d be remiss if I didn’t ask; how loud is your sex? On a scale of 1 to 10, where one is muffled breathing and 10 is window rattling ecstasy? If you’re the silent type then the issue is moot… isn’t it? If you’re closer to a 10, how about a gag?

Before the child moves back in, I suggest the three of you sit down, over stiff drinks, and discuss the upcoming changes. He’s probably totally freaked out that his mother even has sex-if he’s even contemplated that.  Talk about overall expectations for the new living relationship from all perspectives. Talk about respect, privacy, yada yada…..You and your partner will need to tell him that you have an intimate life, sparing him the details of course. Help him understand that as adults in a healthy relationship you have an active sex life.  And, of course that you’re not going to curtail your sex life because he’s moving in. Suggest that everyone will probably  undergo some apprehension but that sensitivity and courtesy rule the day.  If he can’t handle it, he can begin to look for alternative living arrangements!

It ain’t over til it’s over October 23, 2009

It seems to the Goddess that we have a skewed notion of sexuality in our culture.  Media representations of sexual individuals tend to feature youthful couples. Do the youngsters working in advertising agencies have hang-ups about their parents having sex?  What’s up with that? I know 70 year old men with lust in their eyes!

Viagra, Cialis and Levitra mean that all men can have sex now.. even those old coots shuffling around in droopy pjs and shabby slippers.  Pop a pill and that pecker is popping up. It’s acceptable to talk about enhancing men’s sex drive and thereby acknowledging the sexuality of men.

And at the same time, society’s perception of over 40 women is anything but sexy. They are simply not portrayed as sexual beings.  So, who are the old men supposed to be boffing once they got their stiffies? Twenty somethings?

I recently started paying attention to TV ads for women of a certain age and here’s what I observed:  Specially developed yogurt for digestive health, vitamins to help with memory, pills for arthritis, bladder control medicine and panty liners to control leakage!  Oh, yeah, let’s not forget the constipation ads.

C”mon!

If there are ads dealing with erectile dysfunction why aren’t there ads for menopausal women suffering from vaginal dryness?  Let’s show those warming lube ads with older couples in bed.  How about a sexy woman, having fantasies of alternate uses for that old feather duster? Or an older woman shopping for washing machines with half nude guys draped across the appliances?

We should demand equal time. Let’s show sexy older women modeling lingerie, or draped across the Cadillac.  I’m tired of being fed the lie that older women are gassy, constipated, leaky, and in pain. We’re hot, sexy, vibrant intelligent individuals.. with the maturity and experience that brings wonderful things to relationships!

OH! OH! OH! no…… October 19, 2009

Dear Goddess of the Garden,

My girlfriend has trouble with orgasms. Is it my fault?

Signed,

Panting Peter

Dear Peter,

I don’t know, is it? Seriously Peter, there could be many reasons for your girlfriend’s orgasm issues. It could be that what you are doing isn’t working for her.  Are you both communicating during the process.  “How does this feel?” , ” lower” …. you get my point?

There is controversy over the nature of orgasms; vaginal or clitoral. You need to establish which type your GF has or prefers and go from there.  If she’s clitorally focused then all the pumping in the world isn’t going to help.  You have a virtual cornucopia of items to use in helping her to reach climax: fingers, tongue, your tool and toys.. Try them solo, in combination… just remember to keep the communication going. Encourage her to talk about what turns her on. It can be difficult for some women to express their needs so let her know that you want feedback.

Orgasms are important but not an essential component of sex. I know, I know….  Make sure that your relationship is mutual and pleasurable.  Take time together to caress and cuddle, kiss and maintain physical contact with each other.  Learn to explore each other’s bodies and take delight in being together. These things will sustain you as you work to develop a stronger sexual bond.

p.s. If orgasms remain a challenge I’d recommend a book. This is an excellent instruction manual, well-written with humor and sensitivity. The author writes from his own experience, combining instruction and line drawings to illustrate.  She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner.

Wait! The starch didn’t work, what do I do now? October 9, 2009

The Goddess of the Garden is rarely never wrong though occasionally her enthusiasm for the subject matter is so strong that she gets too excited and distracted!  This would be the case yesterday in the discussion of  lilting penises.

We talked about stiffening agents, and your emails and comments showed a higher level of interest than anticipated.  So, clearly there are some problems out there. As always,  I relish the opportunity to help.

What I failed to include in yesterday’s discussion was/were  (I’m a Goddess, not a Grammarian) alternative activities.  Because as we know-all too well-all the spray starch in the world probably won’t be enough to transform that worn rope into a sturdy ramrod for your liking.

So, let’s talk about alternatives!  Intercourse isn’t the only option. There are many delightful ways for you and your mate to satisfy each other that need not involve his rod. A word of caution: most men are totally in love with their penis… so if you start indicating a desire for pleasure that leaves his cute little protrusion out of the equation your man will be hurt.  My advice: Pretend. Lie. Lots of ooh’s and aah’s about it and it’s magical powers, as you surreptitiously reach for the toy bag.

Fingers, toys, tongues, vegetables.  These are just a few alternatives that can be deployed when faced with a limp member.  Use them creatively…. but wash them all carefully first. I recommend organic vegetables-much safer. Be sure to involve your mate, let him take control of your pleasure. Give him hints as to what works, how much pressure, what spots feel good and so forth.

With this in mind you should both be able to find pleasure in the face of any unforeseen issue in the bedroom. His pleasure you might ask?  His pleasure comes in being able to satisfy you.

Have fun, and please report back.

Lost that lilt? October 8, 2009

The Goddess has had several queries lately regarding, how to put it delicately… limp dicks.

It is a problem that men face frequently. The older a man gets the more often he is likely to face this problem. And, I’ve been asked for assistance.

My men tend to be vigorous and in the prime of their life so I have little personal experience with wilting penises.  But, I do my research and years of sex work have given me valuable tips on how to deal with this delicate situation.

My recommendation? Well, first let’s talk about possible causes, shall we? So, you’re in bed and things are going smoothly, when suddenly you look down and oops-he’s not hard enough.

Hard enough? Defined as capable of stuffing, or being stuffed (thanks to my Brit clients for that wonderful term). If he’s so limp that he has to resort to trying to stuff his half-flaccid organ in your delicate flower…. well that’s a big problem. Technically, a little problem.

So, you’re excited, all revved up and he’s limp! You could just boot him out of bed and reach for your sex toys. You could jump the fence and find a female lover….. Boom-that penis problem has totally disappeared!  But, maybe you’re more peni-centric than that and you want to help restore his erection…. and his self-esteem.

So, let’s explore the problem. Is he anxious? Experiencing concerns about his masculinity? Are you being too aggressive, exuding threatening vibes? If so, please back up, take a deep breath and try to act a little more submissive. Be the delicate woman he needs to balance out his tenuous masculinity. Remember, he is the man!

Maybe Mr. Stud Muffin is married and is feeling guilt about cheating on his wife? That’ll do it every time. It’s Mother Nature’s way of evening out the score ( thank you very much)

Smokers, excessive drinkers, blowhards… men with disproportionately large egos.. all of these can cause erectile dysfunction in men.

So, let’s talk about cures? Two words.. Stiffening Agents-the magic potion: Spray Starch. The Goddess of the Garden suggests that every woman keep a can on her bedside table. It’s the wonder drug for ED. It’s a simple cure and one that costs pennies, leaves little tell-tale residue, no Doctor required, and has no unwanted chemical hazards. The effect is temporary and admittedly creates a rather sticky situation but it is a sure fix. Take my advice and buy a can today.

Best wishes, good luck, and good f***king.

Next week: orgasmic dysfunction. I am an EEO Goddess after all.

Advice from the Goddess September 25, 2009

Good morning gentle readers, Goddess of the Garden here. I was overseeing the blog world this morning and happened to find a delightful example of relationship building over at Alan Tru’s blog.

Two people just starting a relationship must start off on the right foot.  And, doing so in a very matter-of-fact way can be just the right first step.  When you’ve had 4 drinks and your hand’s up her skirt-it’s too late. You both have clouded judgments at that point.  Your head is not thinking rationally.

In the above mentioned post they did several things I applaud. Though actually, she acted the part of hard cold bitch, visualize leather and whips... while grilling her potential lover.  He played the more submissive part but seemed immensely gratified by his grovelling.

Oops, I got distracted and if truth be told.. a little turned on.

Anyway, when you contemplate hooking up with a new person there are essential things that must occur.

You absolutely want to know what the level of commitment is going to be.  Is this a one-hour fling? or the prelude to ‘death do us part’?  Are you #1 or #100?  It matters.

Ask him for his success/failure rate.  Can he keep it up?  Essential question if he’s over 40.  Does he have references, can he really make it happen? Any man can say he’s good in bed, but by the time you find out… whoa! It’s too late.

What about her?  How willing is she to get down and dirty? Can she make you feel like more of a man?  Will she do it with the lights on, is she gonna have clothes on?

Are their other lovers lurking around? Is there a hidden spouse?  Is it gonna be video-taped?

Talk to each other, tell the truth.  Be bold, what do you have to lose? I suggest you develop a mission and vision statement before that first meet.  Then you can work together to set goals and objectives. Let me give you an example:  “I, Sam, seek to bring happiness to this world by giving my hot throbbing member to every woman who will have me.”  Now that is a clear mission statement.  Sam knows what he wants.   Bravo!

If you follow the Goddess’s advice I guarantee you there will be fewer unpleasant surprises.

Ta Ta for now…

GG

My vibrator misses me September 22, 2009

Dear Goddess of the Garden,

I’ve stopped using my sex toys as much as I used to. I was feeling perfectly normal about that until I read this annoying blog that said women masturbate all the time. Is there something wrong with me? I didn’t really want to talk about this-it’s embarrassing-but last night I heard this snide snorting sound. When I turned on the lights I realized it was coming from the little black bag I keep in my night stand. It was my vibrator-laughing at me.

I want to defend myself but I’m not sure what to do. Admittedly I used to play with my toys on a very regular basis.  We had fun,it was satisfying and by the hum Pearl was making I know she was happy too.

Signed,

forlorn flower

Dear FF:

The Goddess wonders why you no long play with your toys?  They are a girl’s best friend. You do know that don’t you? Are you still mourning the loss of your first vibrator?  It can be traumatic to replace a loved one.  Maybe you just need to give it more time? You mentioned before (yes, dear readers she’s written me before) the presence of a “real” one in your life, is he the underlying reason for neglecting your toys?  If that is the answer then I must say.. tsk, tsk!

Dr. TL is right, women are meant to be using their toys all the time. Think of the impact on the battery production if women simply started having sex with men, or each other.  How selfish of you.  Toys are important, there is a whole industry dependent on  your masturbatory habits. That poor bag of toys, lying there night after night hearing you scream in delight with no help from them.  They probably feeling neglected and inadequate. Stop screwing around with that man and go have some good make-up sex with your vibrators.

Signed,

Goddess of the Garden

Welcome to the Garden September 17, 2009

Welcome to the Delicate Garden.  This is the place where all things sexual and relational will be solved for you.  Delicately… and not so much so.  The Goddess of the Garden will be glad to answer your questions and will try at all times to maintain some level of propriety. I hope to offer this feature at least once a week, but we all know that mother nature is unpredictable and Goddesses can be capricious.

There are many topics to be unearthed here in our journey together.  Over the last week, I’ve been out deadheading flowers, cutting back shrubs… liberally chopping and hacking at the random growth.  And, all this work has given rise to thoughts about penis size.

Does size matter? Is your man’s wong big enough for you?  Does one really need a big, pulsating, hard protrusion to bring sexual delight?  Yes and no. Some women aren’t all that into their vaginas so the size of their partner’s pecker is irrelevant, if he’s skilled in pleasing a woman.  If you’re one of those women who craves a big hard, juicy Italian sausage then of course size matters. And, I would advise you not to seek phallic enjoyment in Alaska, Wyoming or Delaware.  You should instead go and indulge your slatternly tendencies in DC, New York or California.   The Goddess of the Garden is pleased to note that out of the 4 states she’s lived in, 3 are in the top ten list of big ones. (Courtesy of sizing ‘em up and this  informed yet inflammatory post from my dear blogging friend, Duncan at Madhatters.)

So, for today.  Think about what you really want in a relationship.  Do you want a man with a big prick? Or do you want a man with intelligence, humor, sensitivity and clean hands? Ladies, we can’t have everything.

Disclaimer: The Goddess of the Garden generally offers advice on heterosexual relations, speaking from a knowledge based perspective.  Apologies offered to those who are offended by this, or feel it’s not inclusive enough.   All opinions are the Goddess’s alone and may not be borrowed, lifted or otherwise used without express permission…Don’t mess with Mother Nature!